Random Acts of Christmas Stupidity
Merry Christmas, everyone! Here’s a close-up of my hand:
Oh, that? It was just a giant burn I gave myself by trying to fill my hot water bottle in the dark and underestimating the thing’s capacity. It turned out that SCALDING HOT WATER was a lot closer to the top than I realized, and as I continued to pour the kettle merrily, it poured a gush of water that splashed onto my hands, leaving me with this. And that, my friends, is why I’m usually not allowed to use a kettle unattended. And also why I HATE MYSELF. I mean, OMFG, Amber, SERIOUSLY?
(Okay, I was exaggerating a bit about the “torrent”. It was very painful, and, by the next morning, it had turned into a giant blister. This hand is still not fully recovered from the March “curling irons” incident – you can still see the burn marks at the base of my thumb, actually – so, yeah, I’m an idiot.)
It was the same night Terry caught a Virus That Wasn’t Covid, But Which Feels Very Much Like Covid.
As a result he was snoring so loudly that I ended up having to sleep on the couch in the living room, and as I lay there I had a very vivid dream where I… lay on the couch in the living room, when, all of a sudden, this invisible presence put his “arms” around me and started SPREADING. It’s not tight enough to stop me from breathing (THANK YOU, INVISIBLE YOU) but tight enough to clearly communicate that, hey, Amber, there’s an invisible presence in your living room that may or may not want to kill you.
Which, frankly, is quite a lot in front of relaxing, really.
By the way, I woke up early (Like, REALLY “with early”. I always read about it in books, but that’s what happened…) and even though I know very well that there is no such thing as an invisible presence, Dreams are so real – and being so full of “try-scream-but-nothing- comes out” fun stuff – that I was too scared to move until Max started singing the theme song to “Castle in the Sky” from his room, and I thought it was safe to get up.
It was the day Max changed his Christmas list from just a “glitter pen” to a “glitter pen AND HEDGEHOG.”
HEDGEHOGS.
It was also the day we realized that we really didn’t ordered weird sparkly pens – which is ABSOLUTELY THE ONLY THING HE ASKED – let alone a hedgehog. (I honestly don’t know what’s going on here, as we both believe the glitter pen situation has been taken care of. I think maybe Terry thought I bought one, and I assume he had? After all, NO GLITTER PENS are the result of this cautionary tale, and AMAZON PRIME is the answer. You’re welcome.)
That night, Terry still felt rougher than… well, a hedgehog, basically… so I once again retreated to the living room couch. It was just as I entered the dark living room that I remembered the Invisible Presence from the night before. And for the next two hours I lay awake desperately reminding myself that I don’t believe in such things, but also, what’s that reflection in the window? Is someone standing at my living room window?
Lord God
The next morning is when I started showing the first signs of the Terry Virus Which Wasn’t Covid But Feels Very Much Like Covid. Panicked, I went straight into Do All The Things At Once mode, convinced that I only had a few hours left before I died in my sick bed, and that if I didn’t wrap all my Christmas presents soon, I’d be too sick to do so. after that.
That’s when I realized I couldn’t find the Kindle Fire we bought for Max as the grand prize.
(By the way, rate all you will… What I’m asking is, if you want to judge me for giving my son a tablet, first you spend the next five years living with a child who won’t play on his own, and if you pass without using screen time, please rate.)
“I gave it to you,” Terry said.
“You definitely don’t,” I said.
“Yes I did,” Terry said. “I put it on the office floor, with all the other boxes that came in that day.”
That’s when we realized I had put the Kindle Fire in the trash, with “all the other boxes.”
BIN actually. Where rubbish go.
And not the trash inside either: no, I took all that “junk” straight into the trash outside. It will be picked up and brought to the end.
GAH.
Luckily for me, KIndle has gone into the “paper and cards” trash, so it’s not being thrown away actually rubbish. Luckily, it was the turn of the “real” trash can to be emptied this week, so the Kindle was picked up unharmed, and the day was saved.
For me, meanwhile, I’d like to say this is the first time I’ve ever done something so stupid, but really, it’s the most expensive time. (Or potentially expensive. And considering that we ordered the tablet in a Black Friday sale, and it just arrived this week, that’s going to be a VERY difficult problem to solve in a hurry.)
In even better news, meanwhile, it’s also the day the glitter pens and the hedgehog arrive, and, okay, this isn’t the real hedgehog Max asked for, but we chatted about how Santa doesn’t bring animals. , and how hedgehogs aren’t just for Christmas (or any other time, really), so I think we’re good. And, if nothing else, at least this gift is a little more kid-appropriate than the damn glass of wine he asked for years ago, and hasn’t seen since.
However.
After thinking I’d run away with only the mild symptoms of Terry’s cold/flu/whatever it was, hours after I thought I was done writing this post, it hit me with a vengeance, and now I feel like dying. , basically. I do hope I’ll be well enough for Max’s school birth play on Friday (He plays Joseph, and has three lines. I don’t want to miss that…), but, suffice it to say that the two weeks of “rest” that follow are probably going to finish me off — because when you have an almost five year old kid, the only one real the rest you get is when they’re at school, okay?
Still, at least I had most of the gift wrapping done. At least one less thing than anxiety-inducing fever dreams about tonight.
Merry Christmas, everyone: see you on the other side!
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